Grief and Loss

What is grief?

Grief is how we respond and feel when we experience a significant change or loss. Thoughts and feelings may be mixed and fluctuate making it difficult to do what you would normally do.

Grief is different for everyone and you may:

Feel shocked, numb, angry, scared, anxious, lonely, exhausted, guilty, helpless, out of control,
confused, relieved.
Have dreams, a lack of concentration, hallucinations and/or doubts. You may become preoccupied with thoughts about your experience of caring or your life before the illness of the person you cared for. You may find it difficult to ‘picture’ him/her in your mind.
Find you are extremely tired or can’t relax. You may find you want to sleep more or that it is difficult to sleep. Or you may find that you cannot eat or are eating all of the time. You may use alcohol or medication to dampen your intense feelings.
Suffer symptoms such as nausea, vomiting, diarrhoea, constipation, repeated colds or other infections or pain.

Learning to live with grief

Grief has no timetable or set pattern. Learning to live with your grief will take time. Death ends a life not a relationship. Your relationship with the person who has died will live on and still be an important part of your life.

What you can do?

Choose a good listener when you need to talk.
Take time to reflect on what has happened when you feel able to.
When you can, talk about the person you have lost. Acknowledge how they have contributed to your life.
Be patient. Don’t expect too much of yourself.
Try to understand your feelings. Expect them to up and down and change.
If you are feeling anxious, write down you thoughts or talk to someone about them.
Trust yourself to know what you need. Do what is right for you.
Accept that you may need to explain to others what your grief is like.
Try to stay with thoughts or memories that are painful or sad. Give yourself time to think about them.
Be good to yourself physically and emotionally.
Do not make big decisions too soon.
Medication cannot cure or help you to avoid grief. It may help to delay it for a while. Medication can help if you are depressed.
Consider joining a support group.

How to help someone who is grieving ?

Supporting someone who is grieving is not always easy. Your support may be appreciated at times but it may seem that it is not at other times.

You may find the following tips useful:

Supporting someone who is grieving takes time and patience. It is important to keep in regular contact even when sometimes you feel it is not helping his/her grief.
People often feel numb when someone first dies, it may take months before others feelings begin to surface.
Acknowledge the person’s loss and let them know you are there for them.
Be aware that different cultures have rituals and ways of behaving. It is important to seek understanding before drawing any conclusions about how someone is grieving.
If appropriate, continue to invite the person to join in activities even if you know they will decline the offer. Accept his/her right to decline without judgment.
Organise simple activities that will give the grieving person an opportunity to talk. Share a regular meeting over coffee or lunch. Diarise a regular phone call.
Encourage the person to talk about his/her experience of loss. The experience of death is only one part of the experience of loss for that person.
Be available to listen to the grief even if you have heard it all before. Telling a story over and over again helps with the feeling of disbelief that comes with loss.
Death ends a life not a relationship. Encourage the person talk about his/her relationship with the person who has died. Don’t feel you need to ‘move them on’.
Remember that there is not a problem to solve when you are supporting someone who is grieving. Advice is not needed.
Be prepared to stay with someone even though there are tears. Being allowed to express emotion can help someone to work through his/her grief.
Remember there will be times when grief is intense. Anniversaries, birthdays and other special days that have been significant for the person who is grieving will often bring an intense feeling of loss and loneliness. Contact at this time can be very supportive.
Writing a letter of condolence can be a first step in providing support to someone who is grieving.

Information on Understanding and coping with loss and website links refer to grief and loss.